Days off

Probably need to change the name.  175days.  24weeks24things?  It doesn't matter.  It only matters that I am more aware that I could leave in sixish months, and that there are things I'd like to get done before that.

It's already become more 'I could leave in 6 months' than 'I will leave in 6 months.'  I guess that's all I needed, a time when I could opt out.

Last night Emma and I finally made a fire in the fire pit I built last summer.  What fun!  She is very cautious, so kept almost putting the fire out.  It was nice to hang out in the back yard, and made me feel somewhat motivated to keep working on it.  What a mess it is with its overgrowth and sticker bushes.  Oak trees growing too close to the house.  Hate to take those out, but they've got to go.  I love Oaks.

I'll have to figure out what to do about the back door.  There isn't one.  It's weird that without a back door, there is no motivation to go in the back yard.  Lulu had approved one being put in, but then she changed her mind.  I regret bringing it up with her again. I doubt she'd know if I put one in, the trick is not getting caught without a building permit.  Oh, and now I have to pay for the door myself.  So see, this is where I get confused - If I'm going to leave it's not worth the effort or expense.  But if I put one in, life would be more pleasant and it would be more worth it to stay.

I took out a couple of old lilac trees.  I really dislike cutting down trees, but I also really want to put a gate in the back corner of the yard.  Plus, they are all old and falling and ratty looking.  Looks better already.  It's difficult to get stuff done because Emma doesn't like it out there.  But if I could get some work done out there, and had a back door, and got her fort built, I think she'd really like being in the back yard.

72 days left

I might have to change the name to 75days75excuses.

I did nothing extra.  But, I think I haven't clearly defined what extra is.  Do I mean extra stuff to improve the place for my boss, for me, or just in general?  All three, I suppose.  But when I started this, I was thinking of mainly for my boss.  The funny thing about that is, though, she wouldn't even notice.  She rarely goes out of her house.  Maybe 3 or 4 times a year.  Seriously, that's it.  She doesn't really have an idea what's going on around here.

Tonight I was outside cleaning off my front porch and looking around and dreaming of how I would like everything to look.  I realized that maybe, just maybe, if I made everything how I wanted it to be, it would be worth it to stay.  Maybe the underlying frustration is that there is so much I want to do, but I'm always questioning if it's worth it because I don't know if I'm staying or going.  So I take my frustration out on my job, because it's all mixed up that way.

It's difficult.  I know I am welcome to stay as long as I want, or as long as my boss is alive.  And I know I can't live on "what ifs," but it's hard not to think about, "What if I pour my heart into this place and then I just have to walk away?"

That would suck.  But in the meantime, I'd have a lovely place to live.  And since I cannot predict the future, or how long I'll be here, maybe I should work on making it a lovely place.  If I have to go, then it will be a lovely place for someone else.

I did do a couple extra things after all.  I put grass hay down between some of the sheds to prevent future weed growth.  My boss ( I think I will call her LuLu from now on) would hate that, but I think it will work out really well.  I'm hoping it will keep the weeds down, and since it's grass hay, maybe actual grass will grow there.

Also, I took LuLu's Mama Kitty in to be euthanized.  I don't know if that counts for anything, but it was hard to do.  I liked Mama Kitty.  Plus, doing that always reminds me of  all the pets I've lost and then I cry a lot.

First Day, continued

My first thing was.....I was nice.  It's not a lot, but it's something.

What got me started on this whole idea was that last week, my boss answered me (In an email exchange) in a very sarcastic and mean way.  This is fairly common, and always hits a nerve with me.  Usually, all weekend long, I fume and fuss and think up snappy replies to anything she might say when I return to work.  Then I go to work on Monday full of venom just waiting for her to say something.  She is usually quite nice, overly nice, and won't play this game.  She knows she's pissed me off and she treads lightly and sweetly.  I have a lot of trouble being bitchy when people are nice to me, so my anger wears off quickly.

Well, this time, I was prepared with snappy and bitchy replies, but I did not attempt to play.  If she had been bitchy, I would have.  But it went off as usual, and because I wasn't determined to fight, I had a better day.

I think because I now have "75 days" in the back of my mind, I don't have to prove anything.  I am not thinking, "I will not be treated this way, blah blah blah."  Instead, I'm thinking that I can put up with crap for 75 days.  74 now.

I'm hoping tomorrow I can get something extra done.  It's lawn mowing day, so that might be it.  I suspect I'll get more done as the deadline gets closer, I've always been that kind of person.  Maybe tomorrow I'll make a list of things that need done.  That'll help.

First Day

I think this will be a short, experimental blog.  Six months, probably.

I am considering leaving my job in about six months.  I work three days a week, so 75 days of work left.

I am thinking of leaving because sometimes my boss makes me so angry, I shake.  But, I am not positive I am leaving because all other aspects of the job are good, and despite her childishness, I do like my boss.  She is also my landlord and occasionally a friend, so you see how it can get complicated.

I work at an animal rehab, and it is where I live, and it is also where my boss lives.  The place has gotten to be quite a mess because of time, bad renters and lazy employees.  I have been here two years and have made a lot of progress on cleaning it up, but there is still a ways to go.

I am hoping to take care of one thing each day that I work.  That's what I'll be writing about here.  Maybe this quest will be so fulfilling and work out so well for everyone, that I will decide to stay.  And maybe, it will just make me feel good about myself when I do leave.  I like to be missed.

I'll write more later about why I am in this constant "Should I stay or should I go?" thought process.

I don't know what thing I'm going to do at work today, but I will let you know when I get home.